Being at peace with what's happening
So yes, I teach mindfulness, but I should tell you that in every course I’ve ever done and every meditation retreat I’ve ever been on well I’m the most resistant in the group (not to mention the only person that can NOT sit cross legged when they meditate and always fidgets and itches and coughs!).
Every profound point the teacher makes I am the one that struggles the most to make sense of it. I pass it through my “bullshit filter” and then I ponder on how it can apply to my life. I completely understand how all these profound concepts work for people living solitary lives with no financial commitments and little time restraints… but I struggle sometimes to make sense with how it fits into a life with 4 kids, a mortgage, 2 full-time working parents, multiple sporting and social activities for every child… I often leave the retreats still confused until something happens in my life and a light bulb goes off. Well, it’s no doubt that Will has been that lightbulb and for him and me the only way forward is with the upmost of mindfulness. But here’s the thing - perhaps if I was more like the other people on those retreats, so organically spiritual that they never questioned and never struggled - then perhaps I’d be more at peace with what is happening to my son.
I had a terrible day yesterday and I sense those in Will’s inner circle did too. Our youngest, Gus, started school yesterday… for the first time in 16 years we were going to have all 4 kids at school. Neatly packaged up in their 4 boxes… moving on with the next phase of our family’s journey. But that’s not the case. We’re starting all over again - and when I craved to be mindful and spiritual and see the lessons in our situation - I wanted to cry and shout “it’s not fair”. It’s not fair for Will, for me, for Nick, for his brother and sisters, for my parents, for his mates. Perhaps if I was better at meditating or less of a questioner I’d be able to not have these thoughts… but when I met my husband at the hospital last night to see the tiredness in his eyes and the complete lack of sparkle of hope between us, it took all the counselling words from a dear friend to find the energy just to put one foot in front of another.
2 weeks ago - I had never written a Facebook post in my life, but as I said to a group of elite athletes I addressed last week… if my son is going to have to go through this painful experience then I’m at least going to make sure that through me, Will and our family, get to share what we learn - as this is a situation that will either kill us or teach and inspire many. Seeing my son just trying to make sense of this situation with maturity beyond his years puts my attitude yesterday to shame. But I guess then, the lesson for me, was that there are going to be really bad moments, days even weeks… and that’s ok because they will pass, sometimes with the counsel from a friend or through some quiet time in meditation/prayer/stillness/breath (which ever floats your boat)… but they will pass… and they will come again. This was certainly not the “plan” I had in place… none of us love change and being flexible - but until we embrace the change we’re going to be stuck, stamping our feet saying “it’s not fair”.
Will’s amazing Dad has never left his side once since the accident - Will frets if he leaves. Nick has not slept for weeks and has never once raised his voice or lost his temper. I forced Nick to go home last night and I slept with Will… and of course Will slept pretty much undisturbed all night (for the first time since he’s accident)… I’m sensing Will knew I was teetering on the edge and dared not tip me over!
Bless him xx